"it will all work out in the end, right?
like it always has?"
i'd like to answer that with a definitive and confident statement:
'sure it will, it's never not worked out. nothing could possibly go wrong - your life isn't like that.'
i'd reflect on the past, and see things. not everything has worked out according to plan, sure, but it's not like anything terrible has happened either - in fact, most things do work out nicely, even if it wasn't planned. it's something we share in common - we're all alive, aren't we? we live in a house, with a family, we spend time with friends, we laugh, eat and play, study, work, sleep - that's all part of our lives. we're normal.
i'd look back, and i would say to myself: "it's all in the past - it's over and done, and i'm fine now, so what was the big deal?" i mean, back then it may have felt like the world had just caved in, any sense of serenity imploding on itself, the light at the end of the tunnel flickering and slowly fading. but the light never actually fades, of course. it's never that bad. we always make it through what seems like the darkest hour, and along with a good friend called time, we move on.
i'd then think, sweet. my life is spectacular - i'm alive and well, my family is amazing, and my friends are more than i could wish for. but, really, how often can you 'move on'? surely there are somethings that you can never run away from.
i'd stop for a moment, then write something down. get what i can out of my head, you know. these feelings or memories that you can't run away from, how do you know you can never escape them? how do you know if you've hit something that will end up destroying you and tearing you up from the inside out, only to pour salt all over the emotional wounds, leaving nothing to spare - the 'end'? an interesting prospect, this so-called 'end'.
i'd wonder sometimes how much more could i handle; another 100 years? 50? 10 months? 5 weeks? a day? there is going to be a massive hurdle, i can see it coming just over the horizon - you've made it over all the others - but what if you can't make it over this one? what if you trip and fall, and you can never get back up again? and even then, even with all the pressure, stress and emotion, how do you know this is the big hurdle - for all you know, the real thing could actually be just beyond the horizon, waiting for you. you could have fallen for nothing - or everything, and you wouldn't have a clue.
i'd keep that mentality in my head, and should i have a minor slip-up, or should i trip a step or two, or should i fall, and crash, maybe even burn for a bit, i'd tell myself 'you have to get up', and i'd have to keep moving, 'you don't know if this is it, you can't give up yet, there could be more to come'. what is to come could be happiness, actual, real elation, or it could get worse. pain, anguish and grief - the feeling of being stuck in an endless dark place, no where to go, no one to talk to. or not. i think i'd prefer euphoria.
i'd hope, that once that one hurdle had been crossed, the rest of life would be a breeze. everything would naturally fall into place - i mean, sure, there will be the occasional trip-up, but nothing major. all the pieces would begin to fit - a degree, a significant other, a job, family, house and life. but it's not that simple is it - no yes - well, maybe.
will it all work out in the end?
i don't know
i guess we'll just have to wait and see
who knows what's around the corner -- i sure don't.
